The Kaur Aura Podcast
A podcast created to share uplifting content and positive narratives that motivate and empower people to improve their well-being and self-development and wholeheartedly embrace their true, authentic selves.
The Kaur Aura Podcast
From Addiction to Connection: A story of healing and friendship and when the universe sends you exactly who you need
Satveer Kaur introduces her special guest and Co-host, Shakia "Kiki" Hill, a friend she connected with three years ago during her healing journey. Their unexpected friendship forms the foundation for an honest discussion about addiction, recovery, and finding human connection during our darkest moments.
• Meeting through a gossip forum where Kiki had posted about her opiate addiction
• Kiki's journey through ten years of addiction while maintaining a professional career and "double life"
• The feeling of starting over every day and being trapped in the addiction cycle
• How rehab provided education about addiction and helped rebuild self-worth
• The importance of eliminating enablers during recovery
• Finding new appreciation for life's simple pleasures after getting clean
• Challenges of stigma and lack of understanding in their cultural communities
• How sharing your story can help others who might be struggling silently
Their recovery journeys offer hope and practical wisdom. From Kiki's experience in rehabilitation to their shared insights about eliminating enablers and rediscovering life's simple joys, their stories demonstrate that healing is possible. They speak candidly about cultural stigmas within their respective communities that make addiction discussions taboo, emphasising why breaking silence is so crucial.
If you're struggling with addiction or supporting someone who is, please reach out for help. Secrecy keeps you trapped, but connection can set you free. This conversation reminds you that you're not alone – and that sometimes, help arrives in the most unexpected ways.
We're setting up an email address for podcast listeners who need support - watch for details in our next episode.
So, guys, welcome, welcome to the Core Aura Podcast. As you know, my name is Satvi Kaur and I'm your host, so I had to start off the second series doing it with this beautiful being that I met really early on in my journey, and then we worked it out, haven't we, kiki, that we've known each other for at least three years.
Speaker 1:How crazy. Like that just seems crazy. Like it seems so, not long, because I feel like we're just so connected, like I've known you for a lot more, like the way I've opened up to you I haven't opened up to anybody ever. So I call you my Kiki, but Kiki's going to introduce herself. Just give us your name, background, a bit about you, and then we'll start from there okay, so my name is Shakia Hill, but I go by Kiki.
Speaker 2:Actually, I don't go by Kiki. Only people I'm from Kansas in America and only people from back home call me Kiki, but it feels natural for Sat to call me Kiki, so let's put that out there. But again, my name is Shakia Hill. I live in Greenville, texas in America, and I'm a 41-year-old female, obviously, who is a mental health case worker. Um, and I'm at set at a particular point in my journey in life. That was much needed and it was a god's sin, and we've been connected ever since then. Um, and we'll get into our journey, things we've been through later in the podcast, but I'm just a friend from afar from her and I love her to death and I'm happy that this podcast is popping off and hopefully we bring you guys lots of interesting and helpful information yeah, 100%.
Speaker 1:Just thank you so much. And, like I said, guys, so my previous series, kiki, I was like doing it on my own hosting, but the plan was for my second series to have a co-host, but didn't work out. But since meeting you, things changed and I was like you know what, kiki, we could do this together, like.
Speaker 1:I know exactly. So this is going forward, guys, just to let you know as much as I have episodes like with other people from the community, local, nearby doing things, people that have like overcome stuff. Kiki is going to be a regular, so she's going to be here on.
Speaker 2:Yeah more than just this. Won't be puffy on other episodes as well. Sorry guys, I'm looking rough I'm looking rough.
Speaker 1:Stop, you're a beautiful being man. So you're going to see Kiki a lot more. This episode is just to kind of introduce Kiki, just introduce a bit of how we met. How we met, because I was in my healing journey, overcoming a few things still early on and I was deep in my pit and then the way we kind of cross paths, it's honestly, it's just, it was nothing but divine intervention 100%. Do you want to explain, sure, what you were?
Speaker 2:going through as well. Yeah, so it's a little embarrassing, we both are kind of embarrassed by it, but we were on a gossip forum actually like a kind of a ghetto gossip forum, but so useful it was very useful.
Speaker 2:It was very useful in finding out information and keeping up with celebrities and gossip. But they also had a portion on the gossip forum where you could do an ask me anything. And I didn't ask me anything because I was deep in an addiction and I figured there had to be more people. There's millions of people on that. I know that there was millions of people on that site and so I figured there had to be someone on there either going through what I was going through or had a family member that they didn't understand. And so I didn't ask anything, saying hey, you know, I'm addicted to opiates and I have been for the last 10 years. I can't get out of it.
Speaker 2:Ask me anything, and lo and behold, sat was on there that day at that time and saw it, and that's how we connected.
Speaker 2:She, um, basically swooped in and was like DM me, personal message me, and I personal messaged her and it was God's gift that I did and she told me a lot about her journey and what she had been through. I'll leave that for you to tell, but you know I was able to connect with her on a level that I've never connected with anyone in this world before, because of the lows that you hit when you're deep in addiction. Unless you've been through it, you can't understand it, and sat understood it, um, and it made us become friends and we had so much more in common. We had some of the same visions and views in life and, like she said, our faith was a big part of both of our lives and we just connected in a way that I just can't explain but that's how we met not to go off on a tangent, that's how we met was in a gossip forum and me reaching out saying, hey, I'm stuck in this addiction, ask me anything.
Speaker 2:And she swooped in and was like you can get through this. I beat it, you can get through this. Yeah, and that's when my journey began to come out of the addiction. I now have over two years playing thank you, god.
Speaker 1:It's so good, like seriously, and that's what I mean. How we met, it was just how the likelihood pure faith 100, and it was. It was god put us together for a reason and look at the similar paths we were on, because when I and imagine we've on that forum, you could go through so many different sections of anything for me to see yours and it spoke to me. Something inside was like I didn't even think about it. I just knew I had to. Oh my gosh, there's someone's going through this. Do this, do that.
Speaker 2:And the crazy thing is, you know, know other people to make it clear. Other people reached out to me, other people personal messaged me, but none of the connection was like with sat. That's why I say it was like it was a god thing that we connected the way we did, because, you know, there were other nice people out there offering help and advice and support, but me and sat just connected on a different level and it's something I can't explain.
Speaker 1:Me neither, and I think as well, I needed you as well. So God kind of put us together for a reason. So, as much as I was on that healing path and helping, I still needed that support from someone that got it, because I hadn't up until I met you, kiki, I'd never met anybody that had got it. I could never voice my true, my truth, and the dark and ugly side of it.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, without being judged, and this right, right, so hard. When I met you and then we just started and then finding out our similarities so much to the point that Real Housewives, we would watch it, we fans of it, and then we'd go on the forum to get other people's opinions, and that was like a trend I thought I only did. But when you said you did it as well, I was like we're so similar, just the way our lives, how us even reaching those sad states that we've got ourselves in just so similar, do you know what I mean? And it was really really I think I definitely needed you because about voice notes we then sent, it was constant, find it like.
Speaker 1:It was like we found it was like a new relationship in that way, you know, when you meet someone but it was, um, but yeah, so that's how we met and it was from then on. It was like we needed each other for that support and it was we. It was like only we only got each other. Nobody else got it. For me personally, right, I agree, yeah, the distance didn't matter, the the differences didn't matter.
Speaker 1:All that mattered was what was in common and that we were there for each other yeah, and we were able to really voice it because I really revealed stuff that, like you said, I'd never explained it the way I was able.
Speaker 2:I never thought that I would tell anyone.
Speaker 1:I thought I would go to my grave with some things yeah, the same, yeah, but we felt that safe with it, with each other, and that, like I don't know. That's why it was God sent and it is, and I know that I can still reach out, like we're still here supporting one another, because that journey that we're on is still not over, guys, like it's a struggle every day, every day, and it is. It takes that. So support is massive. So that is key as well, which I always say to people, as much as it is down to yourself to make those changes. Support, the right support, is key. Because before I message you, kiki, do you know why I did as well message you? Because you'd put yourself out there on the ask me anything thing. Well, you just want to support.
Speaker 1:And I remember when I was really heavy in making those changes, it was locked down and I opened up to a forum and I put a message out on there. This was like a. It was an addiction forum. I put a message out on there. This was like a it was an addiction forum. I put a message out to say, guys, I'm kind of going through some changes myself, um, and this many days or weeks in, how's it going for everybody? Just like how you want just a bit of support around you. Uh, kiki, I got reported because apparently it wasn't for actual addicts, let's say it was for the families of so and I thought, and I just thought, someone did give a reassuring note, but they did say, yeah, this group isn't for you, it's for the family and friends of.
Speaker 1:But I just thought, imagine if someone had really just got the courage to reach out and then you got kind of shunned like that. It would really put you off then, wouldn't it reaching out?
Speaker 2:oh yeah, you would feel defeated immediately yeah, and it did.
Speaker 1:And then I felt like, oh my gosh, I went back in my shell. Then I was like I won't reach out. So when I saw your message come through, then after, I was like I would never want to leave anyone hanging. You can't be in a wrong forum and not be able to be human. Do you know what I mean? Offer that human advice to someone? So yeah, so that always stays in my mind. So, even with what we've set up now with this podcast, it is because of that we would never turn anyone down. Even if it's out of our remit and we can't offer you the support that you're looking for, we will help you find that support yeah, because for someone to even reach out for that support is a massive thing, because people keep it hidden, and that's what I did.
Speaker 1:For a long time I suppressed how I was feeling. You don't have the courage to find that support, do you? Yeah, it's difficult. So there were a few things I want to speak about your journey.
Speaker 1:Sorry, guys, I wrote a few notes because I do go off on a tangent a bit and digress, so it's just to find out a bit more about your story, kiki, if that's all right okay, um, just so people get to know about you moving forward then with our other episodes, kiki, how you decided that you wanted to make those changes because you'd hit a low, what was it that kind of made you think I've got to change shit up?
Speaker 2:I think that's kind of easy to answer. I was at a point where I didn't want to live anymore because I was so frustrated with starting over every day. Every day was like I'm not doing this anymore, this is the last day I'm doing this. But then I would find myself the next day in the same situation I'm not doing this anymore. And the next day doing it again. I'm not doing this anymore. And the next day doing it again. I'm not doing this anymore. And it just got so frustrating and I felt so defeated.
Speaker 2:It was like getting hard to live. You know, everything around me was in destruction, my self-esteem was at an all-time low, my relationships were hanging on by thread with other people, and it was like it just felt very hard to live. It felt very heavy and very hard to live, and I would never commit suicide because of my faith. But I had thoughts every day of you know, if I don't wake up, I don't care. Maybe I don't want to wake up, and so I'm a sleeper. That's something that I do to escape, and so either I would sleep or I would be high, and it was like this isn't life. You know, this isn't life, like I'm not living life, and that's what made me hit that point. Eventually it was like I may as well be dead because I'm not living.
Speaker 2:And I think that's what made me write that, ask me anything, because I was hoping I would get something out of it that would push me, you know, over the edge to just go ahead and take the strength or do whatever it took to get the help I needed, because the truth of the matter is everyone is different, so for people out there listening, not everyone can do it with just faith. You know, I was one of those people. I have strong faith and I question God sometimes. You know, why aren't you fixing this? Why aren't you taking this out of me, this addiction out of me? Why aren't you scooping in and filling me? You know it didn't work like that for me. I had to go get outside help, I had to go to rehab, and so, um, taking that first step to go to rehab was a major step, but that's what I had to do good for you that you did do it.
Speaker 1:How did? Who did you? How did you voice that to the loved ones? Could they see what was going on? Or did you suppress it? Because I was really good at suppressing it. Mine had got to the point.
Speaker 2:I think I was in mine much longer than you were in yours. So, like I said, by the time I got I had been in mine 10 or 11 years. So my family definitely knew my close family. I was very open with them about it. I'm going through this and I don't know how to get out of it and I think they had some empathy for me, but a part of them and was also like just pray and stop. You know they didn't understand it, but when I finally decided to go to rehab, by that point I had started going to NA Narcotics Anonymous. I'm sure y'all have that over there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:So I had started going there and the people there saw me struggling really hard. They saw me coming to the meetings, they saw what I was going through and they just told me some of us can't quit on our own. Some of us have to go and get help. And you know, we see that you want it, we think you need to go get help. So it was actually a couple of people there that convinced me to go and they took me. You know, they barely knew me. They knew me for like a week and they took me to Dallas, which is like an hour from where we live. They took me to get the help that I needed. And so you know, like the day before I decided I was going, of course I told my husband. Really, that's the only person I told was my husband. Everybody else I told later. And by that point you know, of course he didn't want me to go, but he knew I couldn't stop on my own, so he supported me 100% in going.
Speaker 1:Look where we are today, like do you know what I mean? So it's the best decision you could have made, the right one for you. So that's the main thing, and you're in a much better place. There's a lot of stop starts, isn't there? Oh yeah, and you're like right, I'm going to start tomorrow. I'd write a big plan out, I'd last the day and then it'd come to the evening.
Speaker 1:I'd be like, oh, forget it oh always tomorrow, so many when I think of the years I was doing the stop start, stop starts, putting it on tomorrow. It was years, so I think as well I, when I hit my lowest point, I felt I was either going to do permanent damage to myself which could have been fatal, you just never know but I'd reached that point where I was like it's's now or never. And, like I said, with our faith, it was that I got to the point where I thought even God's going to get fed up of me.
Speaker 2:I felt the exact same way. He's going to get tired of my prayers.
Speaker 1:And just be like, yeah, and it was. And then that's the route I didn't want to go. I never wanted to take out. God God's had my back throughout when I out. God God's had my back throughout when I look through everything. God's always been there. But for some reason, something hit me and COVID had come in, didn't it? The pandemic? We're in lockdown, the scary time people die, and I thought you know what if I don't do it now? And I thought, if I did, die from COVID, the whatever, I would just have regrets.
Speaker 1:I didn't ever live my life, I didn't yeah, and it scared me thinking that and I never wanted to have regret and I thought't ever live my life. I didn't, yeah. And it scared me thinking that and I never wanted to have regret and I thought it's time to just sort myself out. It's now whenever I was worried that my son would see me, not see the real me. He was seeing this version of me that was just so miserable. Wasn't myself I used to be such a carefree person.
Speaker 2:It was like a robotic mode of yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, carefree person, it was like a robotic mode of yourself. Yeah, and you never want your kids to see you as that because that's not us and they're seeing us as this different version.
Speaker 2:I thought I never want my kid not to know the true me yeah, and I think that's another thing that keeps you in guilt as well and keeps you in it. Guilt keeps you in it longer. I will say that, um, because there's an extreme amount of guilt of people on the outside who've never been through it. That says, you know, like, lean on your faith to stop. Or you know, why don't you stop for your kids and when you can't?
Speaker 1:do that. There's an extreme amount of guilt that comes with that.
Speaker 2:So because people do I've had that so many times- I think you know, in our defense and at least let me not speak for you for me, when I was getting into the addiction, I didn't realize I was becoming addicted. You know, I started out. My friends, all my friends around me, smoked weed and I didn't smoke weed and so we used to hang out every day and play cards and they would smoke and I would just chill. And one day a guy who had some hydrocodones and he was like hey, you know, everybody want to take a hydrocodone. I have some hydrocodones and everyone took one. That day I became addicted and didn't know it. No one else did, you know. So the next day I wanted more. No one else wanted more, and of course he got me more. They were so cheap and abundant back then it was it was easy to get them.
Speaker 2:You don't realize you're addicted to something until you can't get it, and years went by before I couldn't get it. To make that clear, years went by before there was a day that I couldn't get it and on the few days maybe that you know, I didn't take any or decided not to take any. I would get sick. I was going through withdrawals and didn't know it. I just thought I was coming down with bronchitis or coming down with a cold. I know it. I just thought I was coming down with bronchitis or coming down with the cold. I didn't realize these are withdrawals from what you're doing, you know. So it was three or four years into the addiction before I realized oh my God, I'm an addict, you know. And that's hard to accept when you finally do realize it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that is very true, because it slowly creeps up on you, you think you're in it, it creeps up on you.
Speaker 2:Yes, you do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you do, and it's only when, like you said, you don't have access to it or you go without, and then you're noticing how your body's reacting to it, because then you do become then reliant, because I felt like I couldn't function. You can't I didn't have certain things in my system.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you can't function and you know no one. I don't think anyone goes into it like I'm going to do this to destroy my life. You know it happens and I know I feel like a part of the reason I went through it too is because, to be 100% honest, I used to judge addicts. I'm just going to. You know, like I said, I work in the mental health field and so addiction and mental health go hand in hand. I could help a schizophrenic person, a person with bipolar, a person with depression no judgment at all. But if you came to me and you had one of those diseases and addiction, I was judging you because in my head I'm thinking stop and your life will be better. Why don't you just stop? And I didn't understand that it's not as easy as just stopping, and so I feel like I had to go through it to have empathy for people that go through it, because I had no empathy or no sympathy. That's the thing that I learned going through rehab, going through NA You're an addict before you even know that you're an addict.
Speaker 2:So before you even touch that drug, that addictive personality is within you and it's shown its face, whether it's been with shopping or eating. For me, eating could be one, but whether it's been with shopping, eating, gambling, sex, it's shown its face in some other way. You just didn't connect the dots. And then, once you got a hold of that one drug, that was you know, because I mean I've done weed before and I didn't get addicted to it. I've done alcohol I didn't get addicted to it've done alcohol, I didn't get addicted to it. But once you get a hold of that one drug, that is your kryptonite. You can't, you can't overcome it. One question they never answer is why you become an addict. But it answers that that is in you before you know what's in you. It answers, um, how the addictive mind works.
Speaker 2:You know the cycle that you go through, the endless, the endless cycle that you go through if you choose to stay in addiction and don't get help. It's just, it's like being in school. You have classes every day, you have a routine that you go by every day and you're just learning about, like I said, just the cycle of addiction and how. Once we get clean, it's our choice to stay clean, but once you choose to use, you have no control. All you've given up all control. So of course, the best thing to do is not relapse or not use in the first place, because once you get ahold of whatever it is that you're addicted to, you no longer have control, I don't care how much control you think you have. And so it emphasizes that and it beats it into you over and over to just let you know you're in a good spot right now. You don't have this drug in you right now and you can choose to stay like this, you know.
Speaker 2:And so they build you back up. Basically, it's almost like the, the army. My husband was in the army and he explained during personal not personal training, but during bootcamp. They tore them down and then they build them back up, and that's almost what rehab is like. You know that first week you want the detox and you feel your absolute worst.
Speaker 2:That first week of rehab you are broken.
Speaker 2:You are wondering how the hell did I get here? How the hell did this happen? Why me and you're just a sad little pitiful thing. And then they build you up and let you know. You know it's not your fault, you know you got a hold of something that you didn't know would do this to you and this is how it happened.
Speaker 2:And they build you back up and that's the only way I can explain it is they just educate you and build you back up because you're so broken and you've torn yourself down, not to mention if you have family members that's torn you down or friends that's torn you down. You've torn yourself down enough because you're despised at what you've done to yourself. And they build you back up and, you know, get you ready to go back out in the world. So it's an experience and it makes you feel crazy at some times because you don't want to be there, but you know you need to be there. So you're fighting with yourself I want to go home, I want to leave this place, but you know you're not ready. You know that's where you need to be. So it's an experience.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's not a much needed one as well, cause, like you said, it is about education. It is about reassurance as well, because you need that reassurance, because you do. When you're going through that, you feel like it's only you. You feel so alone, oh yeah, and you feel like is it only me that's given in into life? I can't handle it because you get told that as well. Very much um, like this is what we'll go on to as well, like in our community I've got to say part of the Asian community it's not spoken about. It's always like oh, you're bad if you do this, but they don't think what's being suppressed, for someone to choose this route, to really have this form of escapism. They're not doing it for recreational purposes. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:it's like some, maybe it's the same in the black community as well. I mean because addiction and alcoholism is rampant in the black community, but you don't have a lot of there's. No, it's rampant within our community, but there's not a lot of sympathy or empathy within the community. You know, it's just like those people chose that path. They're bad people. Let's, let's keep it moving, but no one takes the time to figure out. How did this happen? Like you said, what was suppressed to make this happen? Why did they choose that escape?
Speaker 2:None of that is within our community, as a matter of fact rehab is the downer point, you know, because you couldn't do it by yourself.
Speaker 1:Whereas it could happen to anybody. Nobody's exempt from going down this route at all. People may think they're stable, they'd never choose that route, but we know of many that you think they're stable. They'd never choose that route. But I we know of many that you think they're a stable one minute and then all of a sudden you turn to that it does. It's no one's exempt from it.
Speaker 2:You know my life story. You know I had a good upbringing, both parents raised in church, educated um, I'm a likable person, lots of friends and family. You know, usually when you think of a drug addict well, the way we were raised. Usually when you think of a drug addict well, the way we were raised over here, when you think of a drug addict, you think of a creepy, old, nasty person on the bridge. You know, that's just smelly and nasty and that wasn't me.
Speaker 2:I held a professional job throughout the entirety of my addiction. You know, good, paying, professional jobs. You know, went to church every Sunday. So I was the person that you were sitting next to on the pew and when the pastor was preaching, saying someone's going through something right now, it was me. You know, and you would have never had known that I was sitting right next to you and you would have never had known that.
Speaker 2:And I think that was another thing that was hard for me as well, living the double life, because there was that part of me that was professional me, that went to church, that worked my professional job, that tried to take the care of my family the best I could. But then there was a part of me that was like that ratchet me, that ghetto me, that after work, when I was by myself, that was mingling with people that I would never be seen with in my regular life. That was mingling with people and, um, just being scandalous. You know, like I would steal, I would do like I said we have so much more to talk about. I would do crazy things to get because my addiction was very expensive and, um, I would do crazy things to get what I wanted and, um, sometimes I tell people I feel like I've done everything but prostitute it to to get what I want. You know lies, stole, cheated, um, to get what I wanted.
Speaker 2:But, like I said, living that double life was difficult. Sometimes it was a part of me that felt like it would be easier to be that person under the bridge than living the double life, because if I was that person on the bridge, all I have to worry about is me. I don't have to worry about putting up this facade. I don't have to worry about taking care of my family, unfortunately, because there was a part of me that eventually felt like my family was a burden, because I couldn't just do what I wanted to do 24-7. I had to maintain that face and take care of my family. If it was me under a bridge or homeless or roaming the streets, all I would have to worry about is me and getting high. And you get to a point where you get that selfish, where all you want to do is get high, and so, um, living that double life was just as much of a challenge as the addiction I totally get that and it's true.
Speaker 1:Kiss kiki, you could have gone down that route. You could have been that one under that bridge do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:days at a time? Yeah, I don't know. I think my husband is a major part of that. You know, um, I know he wouldn't have stood for that, so maybe that's what kept me in line. I don't know, but I was. I was just a hair away from being that person that you see out there wandering around, and you know it's crazy.
Speaker 1:It's crazy, but just thank you, god, like because we have been saved, like seriously there was. There was something in us that kept us from stepping over that mark, because it could have been done. I could have.
Speaker 1:I could have easily done it yes, when I look back on it and I think how reckless I was being, the habits I was doing, my behaviors I didn't. When I think back now to that version, I don't even recognize that person, right right, and I just think, and because it is, we've suppressed a lot like my personal journey. I know now, like when we look back on it, don't we and we recover from it. We know what, where it stemmed from now, what kind of caused it. And when I look back, I think I just wasn't able to speak up about it. I was unhappy in so many areas, but rather than I was so much for people pleaser, kiki, rather than hurting people's feelings or being assertive or speaking on my trees, letting people know I suppressed it, I just I was too much of a people pleaser. And then when I started getting into these habits and found my form of escapism, whereas I could still function, that was it. Then, like said, I lived this double life. But what?
Speaker 1:I didn't realize is slowly, like physically, you're damaging yourself.
Speaker 2:But yeah and mentally you lose yourself. Yeah, totally one day it happens. It doesn't happen overnight. It happens over a period of time where you look in the mirror.
Speaker 1:You don't recognize the person you're looking at yeah, totally, and like when we exchanged those photos of each other when we were at our peaks, it was like unrecognizable and sad times that we would put ourselves through that doesn't happen overnight, like I said, you know I'm sure if it did happen overnight it would be a little easier to snap back from it like yeah, I just changed.
Speaker 2:You don't notice it's changing while you're changing, because it has to go slowly very true and where you think you're in control of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just a little thing here and there, and then, like you said, it just progresses into something bigger than you could have ever imagined, and it's when you, at that point, you'll look back and be like, oh my gosh, you have that. What the heck moment where you're like I need to sort something out, yeah, yeah, but just thank you, god that we did do it. Do you know what I mean? Because there is when we look how you just spoke about, how, though, it actually went and what you've overcome. Like I said, it's a daily thing. The struggle is there all the time. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1:It's up to ourselves to overcome it, but also, kiki, I also think as well. So when we are on those different habits, we're kind of doing things that don't serve us any purpose. When you were then on your recovery journey, did you find that you kind of outgrown then current relationships, because you, almost when you recover from something, you almost then have this new clarity in life. You become this whole new version of yourself that you don't even you're getting to know, because you've suppressed yourself so much. But I feel like I only know myself now, but for a good amount of years I didn't know who I was yeah, and I mean, I still feel like I'm learning myself.
Speaker 2:You know, and it's been two years and I still feel like I'm learning myself and and that there's things that I need to learn about myself. You know, I still haven't found a hobby that I enjoy and I definitely need to do that, so there's still things that I'm figuring out. But, um, yeah, you, you, it's like you rediscover yourself.
Speaker 1:You know, because you lost yourself for so long, you, you were out of control for so long.
Speaker 2:And your life just became a redundant cycle of find what I want, get high. Find what I want, get high, you know, and nothing else matters. You know I think you joked about it before I would rather have a hot dog than a steak meal because it's like I could take that money and get high. Why do I want a steak meal? A hot dog is a steak meal? Because it's like I could take that money and get high. Why do I want a steak meal? A hot dog is going to feed me.
Speaker 2:You don't want anything fine in life because because yeah, all that matters is that you know getting high and so um yeah, and then, like relationships with people, there's definitely people that I had to cut out of my life, that I know were only there. Either I was using them to get what I wanted or they were there to help me get what I wanted. You definitely have to shed those people.
Speaker 1:That's it, because they are, and when you do look back on it, you do think a lot of it is your circle, because it is down to ourselves. That's what I was going to say.
Speaker 2:Some of these people can be good people. Let me make that clear. Half Let me make that clear Not all of these half of these people were not. They didn't even know that they were a part of what they were a part of. They were, in their heads, true friends to me, but they were enablers, because if I come to you for money and you know that I'm in this addiction, you shouldn't give me that money. But when you love someone or you care about someone, you're going to give them what they ask for, and so you definitely have to give them what they ask for and so, um, definitely, you definitely have to share the enablers and, like I said, sometimes it's good people that you have to separate yourself from, but it's just something that has to be done?
Speaker 1:yeah, definitely, and it was, and I noticed as well when I was healing and just recovering from a lot of stuff I then did you find as well. All of a sudden, you wanted to. I wanted to open up to people and tell them what I'd been going through. Yeah, and then, just Because you get to that point where there's no shame, yeah, you know you see it as a part of life that you lived.
Speaker 2:It's something that you overcame. You're proud that you overcame it and you want to help others. So you want to be open about it, because you hope that it reaches someone else so that you can help them or, you know, at least be a testimony to them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's how I see it. I mean, don't get me wrong, kiki, there's a few people that you express it to and it's not well received.
Speaker 2:Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1:It's just the way it is. But I know for sure and it's almost like it's God's work, and without sounding too deep, because we've overcome something, kiki where to help someone else going through it, because that's what it's all about, because a lot of what I went through and it does make you realize as much as like we're all in it together, like the human connection. So when I overcame this, I just thought other people are going, must be going through it. If we're suppressing it as easy as we are living these double lives, there must be other people. So I went out there, I spoke about my story, just to open up, because I'm hoping people will listen and think okay, I'm one of those people not expressing it, you just need to be able to express it to the right person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1:because I felt, since overcoming what I have, I'm very heavily judged still for even taking that route. And now, even now, kiki, I'll get moments where you're having a fun day, people automatically assume that you're high. Do you get a lot of that? Yeah, or?
Speaker 2:do you notice sometimes like you may have more energy than a day? They don't, and it's like I don't want to look high, you know? Yeah, you feel yourself being self-conscious of how am I? Acting because I don't want anyone to think that I'm high. I think that'll go away in time you know, and you do get like years from now. But yeah, definitely first, probably few years to five years, there's always that self-conscious um, I don't, I don't want, I don't want to think this, and I'm sure sometimes people do think that yeah, you know like, oh she, she may be, she may be back on that stuff, you know.
Speaker 1:But and I think they do, whereas they don't get most of the time. Kiki is a natural high of life. When we've overcome what we've overcome, people don't get that. You have this new lease of life where you just embrace everything and you what I mean, even small things like small things and it's so funny that you said that.
Speaker 2:One time I was riding around the street, yeah, and I was really like looking at the trees, like thank god the trees and the oxygen that they produce, I was so thankful for everything. It was ridiculous, it was pretty cheesy and ridiculous so I'm still like that.
Speaker 1:But but you said I'm still like that. Yeah, I'm still like that. I'll be out in the garden sometimes.
Speaker 2:I really appreciate the trees, like having a good convo with them yeah it's weird but it's just, it's an appreciation when you're within that, and so when you, when you have a clear state of mind, you just realize all the beauty around you and everything that you've blocked out for so long, 100% and the value of it.
Speaker 1:Like we're here chasing like material gains, this and that, whereas we have a sky full of just pure art, and we should appreciate it. Kiki, we'll keep it short and sweet, this episode. I did just want to use it as a bit of an intro to my sister.
Speaker 2:I'm so glad we finally did this.
Speaker 1:Oh so glad. Like seriously and I do apologize, guys Like it is our first episode together, so it may be a bit all over the place. I hope not. I hope we did make sense. But Kiki is going to be around for a lot more episodes where we will touch on a lot more things, even with her whole journey. We'll go more depth into it and we'll be setting up an email too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're going to set up an email address as well, and the whole purpose of it is, like anyone listening, like, please get in touch. Like we offer a wealth of experience. You know what we've been through. We just kind of want to share what we've learned along the way with others and to know that it's an open, safe space, it's non-judgmental, inclusive to all. Just please, like, reach out and if we can help in any way, we will. Um sure, yeah, thanks, kiki. And it is just to introduce kiki and just to show, show her off my friend that I'm so proud of. Thank you, and even just what you've overcome, kiki, and the steps you've taken, like you're two years here into it, and just I wish you the best with it. Like, do you know what I mean? So, just to finish off, kiki, so if there's anybody that may be listening, that may be feeling overwhelmed, maybe going through similar paths that we've just spoke about, what kind of key advice would you give them of just even where to start?
Speaker 2:or my advice would be um one you can reach out to us. Once we get that email set up, you can reach out to us. We care, we truly care that we'll respond to you and be there for you and be a support to you. But also reach out to someone in your life because there's someone that does care.
Speaker 2:Um, I think what keeps a lot of people from getting help is that shame and feeling that you know you're instantly going to be judged and no one's going to understand. But a lot of times, even if someone hasn't been through what you've been through, they will show some empathy. The fact that you want to change people, respect that. You can't hold it inside forever. It'll keep you trapped. That secrecy will keep you trapped. So just reach out to someone for help. You know, if it's addiction, reach out to your local NA or AA group. I found a lot of support in church, surprisingly. You know a couple of old ladies that I went to had been through the same thing and offered me support. You can find support in church. You know, if it's depression or anything like that, there's hotlines that you can call. Reach out. That's the main thing. Just keeping it suppressed and keeping it inside keeps you locked in that mode, so reach out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, great advice. Yeah, totally agree, because it's true, reach out, because you are in these situations and you do think you're alone and you think you're the only one going through these feelings and emotions, that you're the only one that's turned to this route. But you're really not, guys, it could happen to anybody. And just, yeah, reach out and, like I said for us, we are here for you, like genuinely, there's a genuine need. It's like a genuine need for us that we want to help others and just offer that reassurance. It's god's work out here. We just want to help where we can. But, kika, just want to say just thank you so much, like seriously, for sharing a bit of your journey. Like we've got loads to talk about it, but just thank you for touching on it and being so vulnerable is sharing that with us like do you know what I mean because it is a big thing.
Speaker 1:Not everyone's kind of willing to do that. So I do appreciate that you've done that and seriously, you should feel so proud of where you are now and what you've overcome and what you overcome every day, like seriously, you're just doing an amazing job and you should feel really proud, like genuinely, that I say. So, guys, like we said, we are going to set up this email system, so hopefully by the time the next episode is out, we'll announce it then, but please do look out for Kiki, because she will be back again and, as much as it was kind of deep and we were a bit serious with stuff which is a good thing you will hear a lot more light hearted stuff to come as well, which I'm looking forward to. But that's it, guys. So, like I said, we'll talk to you soon and thank you again, kiki, like seriously, for doing this episode and I can't wait for what's to come thank you for having me, I love you set.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love you, kiki, so much. And take care, guys, you beautiful people, bye, bye.